Luella Williamson Doubts DNA Results from Ancestry and Seeks Second Opinion from 23andMe.
"Can you help me with this?" Luella asked. I had stopped by to say hello one evening. It was after another long day in the classroom and starship simulator. I was tired, grumpy and suffering from extreme teacher exhaustion; the kind that comes from eleven hours of non-stop talking. By this time of night I'm easily drawn to nausea from hearing my own voice or the voice of anyone else with a set of vocal cords. The cure is a simple supper in a quiet room illuminated by one heavily shaded 60 watt bulb enjoyed in the company of my 75 inch ultra wide screen Jupiter 5000 television with multiscan gadgets incorporated into micro circuits and diodes of some kind or another. I knew I was in trouble when Luella asked her question. "Can you help me with this?" could be anything from screwing down her toilet seat which seems to have been 3D printed in North Korea to helping her understand her Dish Network remote. I cringed as she reached down to retrieve something from under the brown skirting of her Komatsu power chair (advertised with atomic hydraulics for the lifting of the elderly from a relaxed reclined position into a proper upright stance for forward motion) would determine whether or not I was to enjoy my next hour or so.
She held out a small white box with gray lettering which spelt "Welcome to You!" "What is it?" I asked, genuinely curious.
"It's to test my DNA," she replied sheepishly knowing full well what my reaction would be.
"You've already done that?" I reminded her. "You and Dad did the Ancestry DNA test."
She settled herself for a protracted debate. "Well, I didn't think it was right. I know I'm more Finnish than it said. I feel the mystical call of my Sami ancestors calling to me across the eons of time, across the evergreen Lapland forests brushed by the northern lights. So, I want another test."
|3 Sami Women. Luella feels strongly drawn to the one on the right|
"Well, the TV said this test is better because it looks at more of the DNA and sees more things."
|Is it the clothing or a fondness for reindeer?|
I thought for a moment and came upon another course of action to meet her needs. "We could hire a hypnotist to come out and put you through a series of hypnotic regressions to find your Sami self from a previous life. That way you'd learn more than just a series of suggestions of migration patterns and percentages of ancestry."
She held out the box. "It's time to spit."
|Luella gathering another load of precious Sami DNA|
|She dribbles what little her 79 year old salivary glands can muster into the Tube of Dreams|
|Queasy with effort, feeling a brush of lightheadedness, she pauses to recharge. It was dreadful to watch.|
I think I'll send a note and a $100 bill with the collection tube back to 23andMe asking them to fudge a bit on her results. "Please 23andMe, my 79 year old mother is on her second attempt to find her Finnish, Lapland, Sami roots. Watching her fill another spittube is more than a Christian soul can bare. Please take the money and do a faithful son a favor by adding several more dots to the map above the 65 Degree N. Latitude line running along the Swedish / Finnish border. I'll be forever in your debt."